“The difference between you and me is that when you wake up , your nightmare ends”
That quote sums up how I feel on a daily basis!
I thought I would only have to deal with physical pain. I never thought when I had my surgeries I would have to go through a daily mental struggle too! Chiari is an invisible illness and now you are fighting another. Depression is so difficult to fight because you can’t see it and you don’t know when it will strike.
Depression is such a lonely illness. I want to be alone but I don’t want to be lonely!
“I am the type of person that will sit in the bathroom and cry, but then walk out like nothing ever happened”
That quote really sums up how I deal with my depression. I think a lot of people can relate to that quote. You don’t want anyone to see you cry because you don’t want them to ask you what’s wrong. The truth is you don’t really know what’s wrong yourself! You are also scared of what advice you might get!
” You can’t just wake up and say oh, I wanna be happy, and be happy! Believe me, I’ve tried!”
It’s like telling someone with cancer to get better, it just can’t happen!
The worrying thing about it is you don’t know when it will go away, or if it ever will. If you have a cut or bruise you know in a few days it will be gone. You don’t have that luxury while suffering from depression. In actual fact it might never go away, and that is a horrible thought.
“You feel like a prisoner in your own mind”
The trouble is it’s all in your head and there’s no escape or respite, it’s 24/7. If you have a headache you take some painkillers and get some short term relief. Instead it’s a struggle of flashbacks of things you don’t want to remember.
The only escape is sleep. If you’re sleeping, you’re not hurting. On my worst days I find myself going to bed earlier and earlier because I know sleep makes it all better.
I can only describe my current state like being at the bottom of a big black hole trying to get out, while I watch the world go by living their lives. Its hard sometimes when people are only there for the good and not there at the black hole with a rope to help you out. It’s okay though while looking up I’ve seen the light at the entrance of the hole.
The two pieces of advice I could give is there is always a light at the end of the tunnel so continue to think positive and remember it’s not your fault! Depression is an illness, don’t ever feel it’s something you’ve done or not done.
This blog is the most honest I’ve been about my feelings. I have wrote this in the hope it helps other chiari sufferers.
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Love Karen x x x